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Things to do NOW for when Someone Close to You Dies TW: Death, Loss

8/4/2022

My father passed away from sudden cardiac arrest last month. He was a chronically ill patient, but there was still little to no warning that he would be leaving us when he did, and once the accident happened, it was over within about two hours. First and foremost, please research the signs of cardiac arrest and try to learn CPR if you think you have the constitution to perform it. (I will emphasise that; even as someone who knows how to do CPR, it is VERY different on someone you know.) With that said, my father, being who he is, tried to give us every and anything he could to prepare us for if he was dead... but most of it wasn't up to date. I'm writing this in the off chance that anyone who reads it may have even a chance to follow any of my advice to make sure you don't have to go through the hell that is losing someone and also not having access to any of the accounts that make it possible to go on living.

Passwords, Pins, and Codes

My dad went to college in the 90's for IT security, and up until the day he died he was performing high level IT security work. My first piece of advice, and the one that I believe you should follow if you don't follow ANYTHING else here, is to write down all of your passwords into either a secured document or a password manager. (Or have your loved one do so, in my case.) Provide access to this document only to people you sincerely trust and believe in. In my father's case, he did share one or two pins with us that have allowed for us to access some things, but more major accounts such as our internet, security system, and his emails (to cancel credit cards) have been much more difficult to access. He also had a phone, and we have little to no hope of ever cracking into it, even though we will continue to try. With the pin, we could simply open it and most likely have everything we need. If you have two-factor authorisation, try to write down the access to whatever device you use for that, and again, share that with the one person you know you can trust. Access to those accounts may be borderline impossible with this foresight. It's hard and scary to thing of writing down passwords and pins in the age of security breaches and leaks, but it can save a lot of heartache for your survivors if you can trust them.

Where Did You Put Shit Man?

In general, try to keep people in the loop of where you store household things. It took us weeks to find papers that allowed for us to close certain accounts, and it is REALLY hard to clsoe accoutns when you are grieving if you don't have things you need. On that note, it can be easier for less pressing things to be put off until you have a death certificate.

What do you want like... done to you?

As a survivor and paralegal, I will now always advise for a written and notarised will. Include what you want done to you in it just in case whoever survives you doesn't have a clear idea. My father was Sikh, so it was easier since there are consistent rituals done, but it may be harder for those of more varied faiths or who don't follow a faith if it hasn't been discussed. You can have the conversation with people a well, but it is something that can be included in your will.

It gets better, but also it doesn't?

You may feel like you'll never be whole again, like you're alone, and like you never got to finish saying goodbye. I had these thoughts non-stop for two weeks after my father passed, and I still have them. I don't like that he's gone, but grief is a non-linear path with lots of different emotions. These are not things you want to have to stack on top of that, and they are things I wished we had done before it was too late to let me be able to grieve and process things more fully.

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